Do you ever get that feeling where you don't want to talk to anybody? You don't want to smile and you don't want to fake being happy. But at the same time you don't know exactly what's wrong either. There isn't a way to explain it to someone who doesn't already understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. People have stopped being comforting and being along never was. At least when you're alone no one will constantly ask you what is wrong and there isn't anyone who won't take 'I don't know' for an answer. You feel the way you do just because. You hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait.

Anna

When Life doesn't...

When life doesn't turn out the way we want it to... what do we do?

Life doesn't meet our expectations...

Life doesn't take the right turn...

          In thee, O LORD, do I put my trust; let me never be ashamed: deliver me in thy righteousness. Bow down thine ear to me; deliver me speedily: be thou my strong rock, for an house of defence to save me. For thou art my rock and my fortress; therefore for thy name's sake lead me, and guide me.  Pull me out of the net that they have laid privily for me: for thou art my strength.  Into thine hand I commit my spirit: thou hast redeemed me, O LORD God of truth.  I have hated them that regard lying vanities: but I trust in the LORD.  I will be glad and rejoice in thy mercy: for thou hast considered my trouble; thou hast known my soul in adversities;  And hast not shut me up into the hand of the enemy: thou hast set my feet in a large room.  Have mercy upon me, O LORD, for I am in trouble: mine eye is consumed with grief, yea, my soul and my belly.  For my life is spent with grief, and my years with sighing: my strength faileth because of mine iniquity, and my bones are consumed.  I was a reproach among all mine enemies, but especially among my neighbours, and a fear to mine acquaintance: they that did see me without fled from me.  I am forgotten as a dead man out of mind: I am like a broken vessel. For I have heard the slander of many: fear was on every side: while they took counsel together against me, they devised to take away my life.

 But I trusted in thee, O LORD:

 

 

 I said, Thou art my God.  My times are in thy hand: deliver me from the hand of mine enemies, and from them that persecute me.  Make thy face to shine upon thy servant: save me for thy mercies' sake. Let me not be ashamed, O LORD; for I have called upon thee: let the wicked be ashamed, and let them be silent in the grave.  Let the lying lips be put to silence; which speak grievous things proudly and contemptuously against the righteous.  Oh how great is thy goodness, which thou hast laid up for them that fear thee; which thou hast wrought for them that trust in thee before the sons of men! Thou shalt hide them in the secret of thy presence from the pride of man: thou shalt keep them secretly in a pavilion from the strife of tongues. Blessed be the LORD: for he hath shewed me his marvellous kindness in a strong city. For I said in my haste, I am cut off from before thine eyes: nevertheless thou heardest the voice of my supplications when I cried unto thee. O love the LORD, all ye his saints: for the LORD preserveth the faithful, and plentifully rewardeth the proud doer. Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD.

~Psalm 31

 

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God... My God!

Just a thought from my devotions this morning.

The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust...
In my distress I called upon the LORD, and cried unto my God...
For thou wilt light my candle: the LORD my God will enlighten my darkness...
For by thee I have run through a troop; and by my God have I leaped over a wall...

How many times do I veiw God as MY GOD? Not just God who rules over everything, but MY GOD! He is here for me. In light, and in darkness. In joy and in pain. In laughter and in sorrow.

Sarah k 2011

Sometimes...

Sometimes when we cry out in our pain, asking God to make himself know, we can't find him. He seems faraway and distant, and we conclude that he just isn’t as good and kind and powerful as we had thought. Our weak faith is shaken, and we wind up distancing ourselves from God, because our own means of comfort seem safer.

Perhaps the most faith-shaking, fear-generating experiences are those in which God provides a blessing and then seems to pull the rug out from under us by taking away the blessing as soon as we get a taste of it. God is not who we thought he was.

When we go through that sort of experience, our foundation is shaken to the core.

When we first discover that God isn’t who we’d thought, when he doesn’t turn out to fit our image of him, our fall into doubt or unbelief can be extraordinary, “Who is God if he is not the one I can count of to rescue more from bad things?” we ask. “Is he a God I can be close to after all? I’ve always gone to him with everything large and small. Does he care? Or have I been kidding myself all this time?” When our view of a loving God is called into question, we don’t know where to turn.

When God comes near to us, we are going to respond in one of two ways. Either we will cling to God in the midst of our fear, discovering in the process at that Jesus is for us, or we will run away from our only source of help.

 ~Lydia Brownback

The latter is easier to do.

There's someone who'll always let you in... God

Some quotes that I read today that have REALLY impacted me! In ways that I'm still struggling through, but taking one step closer to the truth is as much as I can hope for right now!

He wants you to know He loves you whether or not you believe in Him."

"Never forget, when you have lost your faith, when God is no longer real to you... go back. Go back to the last place you saw Him. He will be waiting for you there."

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."

"It's not something in your genes like your mother's eyes or your grandmother's nose.  No, faith is something you gotta work out for yourself and it doesn't happen in the good times."

"God has a plan and just because you don't understand it does not mean God doesn't understand it."

"God never gives up on us, baby, even though sometimes people do."

"God has many names, you know.  Jehovah, Almighty, Everlasting Father, Alpha and Omega...  But do you know what He calls Himself?  'I Am.'  Ask God who He is, and that is what He'll tell you.  'I Am.'  Not 'I was' or 'I'm going to be.'  But "I am.'  'I am here for you now because that's where you need Me.'  And if God is here, right here, right now, what is there to fear?" 

"When we ignore the truth, we ignore God, because God is truth.  And what isn't true, He doesn't want any part of.  He can't.  It's just not who He is."

"You'll be wrapped in God's love no matter what happens today or tomorrow or ever."

"You're not alone.  God is here and the fastest car in the world can't outrun Him and the toughest heart in the world can't ignore Him because wherever you go God will be there ahead of you, waiting for you with a miracle."

“Imagine that you are locked in a closet for years…  Now, uh, during this incarceration, you have a baby…  Now, you hope to get out, right, but you don’t know.  So you start drawing pictures of, uh, birds and, um, trees and dogs, you know, to show this baby of yours, who has never seen what life is like out in the real world.  So, imagine that, uh, one day this baby comes and says, ‘You know, uh gee, houses and birds and trees and dogs are all pretty small and, um, flat, aren’t they?'  And you realize that no matter how hard you try to draw these pictures, you can never get this baby of yours to ever imagine what reality looks like.  Never.  Not until he sees it for himself.  So in the meantime you tell this child that you love him and you ask him to trust you."

 

 

 

"You put up a wall to block out your pain and your fear. But a wall works two ways. Yes, it keeps things in, but it also keeps things out; like joy, trust, hope."

Anniversary

June 1st always sitcks in my mind. In fact, the first of every month brings a smile to my face. It is the day in which I wait to see which parent wins. Wins what, you may ask? Well, the monthly anniversary of their wedding. Dad won last month... "Hi, honey, happy anniversary." on the other line on the phone: "Stink! You beat me to it! :)" Whoever can wish the other happy anniversary first "wins"

I'm thankful for parents who love each other. It means alot to me. Mom, Dad, sure, sometimes babysitting the younger kids for you for the third time in a  week gets tiring, but, knowing you love to be together makes it worth it!

Love you both!

Finished!

In this post I just want to say one thing..... GOODBYE HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!!! I finished my high school last night at 10:30 pm! (more exciting posts to follow when I have time :) but I was just busting to share the news!

~Rachel

My little Friend :)

Today, as I was waiting to start work... I decided to take a little walk. On that walk, I passed a pet shop.

Well, at the end of my shift, I was standing in the aisle of the pet shop. I told my dad, "Now I know what a perent feels like... I just want to buy all these things for my little baby." I have a panda hamster... my new friend... and, well, here's the name... Thesaurus, with the nick name of Theo. He's black and white... and ADORABLE!

Pictures soon to follow!

Standing in the doorway

Feelings abound. How many times through the last few weeks I have wished that I wouldn’t feel anything. Wouldn’t feel the hurt. Wouldn’t feel the sadness. Wouldn’t feel.

I have even thought that feeling nothing at all would be better than feeling what I’m feeling. I’d gladly give up the feelings of happiness and contentment, if during the hard times I didn’t have to feel the pain.

Collapsing into my shell would be my choice. Shutting the door and never opening it again. Opening eventually results in pain. Recoiling is my first choice. Pulling my hand back from the hot burner. And, isn’t pain a tool used to teach us? Teach us what not to do?

But what happens after you recoil, locking the door and rolling the key under the door… so you can't ever open it again? What happens when someone else finds that key? The key to your heart. Your stone, cold heart. They unlock the door… and, opening it, expose you to the light on the other side. Show you your darkness…. But, then, without condemning your position, they reach their hand out. To you.

But you don’t. You don’t move. You don’t reach out. You just sit there. Not wanting to again be hurt. Not wanting to need again. Not wanting to love again. Not wanting to feel again.

But, what do you do? What would you do? What did you do?

What you did changed your life. What you do is going to change your life. What you would do will happen. Eventually.

Will you stay in the shadows, unwilling to take the hand before you? Or will you again trust, even with the remembrance of what happened before?

Will you take a step toward that hand? Or do you lash at that hand, cowering behind the past?

No one should be on the inside of the door in every relationship. Because there is a Perfect One. One who never lets down. One who never changes. One who never makes mistakes. One who never leaves. One who never forsakes. One who never rejects.

Even if someone hides from everyone else, they MUST allow the Lord to comfort them. He is the TRUE Comforter. If we have Christ… we need nothing else. We don’t need to let anyone else in as long as we have Him.

And, yes, after trusting Christ to heal the pain, we slowly begin to trust others…

 How this truth has comforted in a personal way...

For those who are on the other side… holding out your hand to someone in desperate need of a solace, you have to be willing to accept them where they are. Just how deeply they have been hurt only changes just how much you have to love them.

Pass me not, O gentle savior. Hear my humble cry.

While on others thou art calling do not pass me by.

Savior, Savior. Hear my humble cry.

While on others thou are calling do not pass me by.

Let me at the throne of mercy find a sweet relief.

Kneeling there in deep contrition, help my unbelief.

Thou the spring of all my comfort more than life to me

Whom have I on earth beside thee? Whom in heaven but thee?

5+6= in need of good weather

"Life must go on."
"I don't know that it MUST, but it does."

Life here has gone on... and on... and... on!

Babysitting six other kids on top of the five that already exist in our home... well... I sure can count to eleven quite well!

Mom has organized everyone into teams. Team A is the youngest 5 with me leading :) And team B is pretty self sufficient. The one qurestion I get alot is, "Why can't we do what Team B is?" Or "Team B got to!"

Everything is done with time and quantity in mind. Lunch... hot dogs (we bought 2 packages of 24) and well... it went great. I think the record for hot dogs was J. with 5 of them eaten. :) Needless to say, he didnt eat much for dinner. Dinner consisted of chicken strips and fries. Again... quick and easy to cook in quantity!

Trips to the park are second nature. I think yesterday we were there five times.... one time for more than three hours. Taking 8 of the 11 with me alone to the park was QUITE an adventure. Deciding to try a new park turned out to be QUITE a major decision! Crossing at least three majorly busy roads... well, I've never seen so many people staring as we crossed :)

Bath time was, well, rather wet. Tonight shall be intersting.... everyone needs a bath for tomorrow :) And tomorrow should be rather interesting.

~Me

Curl up and Cry

Have you ever lost all ambition? All drive?

Have you ever wanted to curl up in a corner and do nothing but cry?

Get up, and muddle through your day. Do what you have to do.

And curl up and cry when you can.

Eventually… well, I can't see eventually. All I see is now.

But…

The pain now is part of the happiness then.

When my way seems dark and drear and the future I don’t know,
My heart feels so empty as the tears unending flow.
When my heart breaks with sorrow and a tempest fills my soul,
This one thing I know for sure: my God is in control.

Chorus
His way is perfect, His way is perfect.
Though I don’t understand His wise and loving plan,
His way is perfect. His way is perfect.
Take my life and make a vessel purified.
God makes no mistakes, His way is best.

When the toils of life are come and my heart is worn with care,
I faint ‘neath the burden of a cross I cannot bear.
When the joy has departed from my sorrow stricken soul,
This one thing I know for sure: my God is in control.

Chorus
His way is perfect, His way is perfect.
Though I don’t understand His wise and loving plan,
His way is perfect. His way is perfect.
Take my life and make a vessel purified.
God makes no mistakes, His way is best. 
~Kistler

Toddlers, Dresses, Flips, and Face-plants

Because I work with my dad now, I leave three times a week between 5:30 and 6 am. It’s nice to have some extra money, and I have some extra time to work before I start my shift.

But I’m missed. Yesterday, I came home, and Anna was sitting on the couch reading a book. When she saw me, the smile that illuminated her face melted my heart! She proceeded to tell me about two of her greatest joys that day: her dress that zips (any dress is a joy for Anna J) and her flips on the trampoline. I didn’t think much about it when she ran to me and laid on my shoulder for a few minutes, just snuggling. (my joy of the day J)

Then I thought it would be nice to take her out on the trampoline, just to spend some time with her. So, we bundled up (after she went and changed her dress for culottes. She didn’t want to rip her dress) and went outside. She jumped for a while before she exclaimed, “Rachel, watch me do my flips!”

At first, I was nervous, hoping she didn’t flip right off the side of the trampoline. Until I saw what she was talking about.

She jumped about ten times in the air. Then, to my horror, she threw her arms in the air, turned her body to the trampoline, and fell. Nose first into the trampoline. Face first. Onto her stomach.

She laid there for a few seconds, and I got nervous. Just when I was going to say something, she made a sound. Giggling. Laughing. She looked up at me with the biggest grin on her face. Then she said in the most angelic voice, “Did you see me flip? I’m really good at that too!”

Then, she did the same thing again. And again. And again.

We gotta love ‘em!

~Rachel

How easy it is to rest and believe during the easy times! Every truth is exactly that – truth. You accept it for what it is. You blog about it. You talk about it. It is reality. It is right. It is truth.

Until…

Trials come that test truth.

Until…

Your heart is breaking.

Until…

Sorrow is eating away at your soul.

Until…

You don’t think you can go on.

Until…

The truth becomes reality.

What do you do when your whole being is pushing against what you’ve been taught? What do you do when truth requires you to do exactly what you know you can't?

The immediate reply, “Just do it. Trust the Lord.”

But, that’s from the outside of the situation.

The inside isn’t so easy. I mean, it is… but it isn’t.

Our mind may know.

Our will may be to do what is right.

But our emotions don’t. Every time you think about the decision, you get a knot in your stomach. Tears drip from your eyes constantly. Smiling seems like jumping across the Grand Canyon.

Ladies hear this all the time. Don’t let your emotions rule you! Don’t depend on your emotions. But, again, that’s easy to say… much harder to do.

So, what do we do? We decide, “I’ll just not think about it.”

In fact, just a few days ago, I told someone, “I’m just trying to keep it from my mind.”

But are we ever commanded to ignore the problems? Ignore the hard part of life?

Are we ever told to focus on the problems? To become consumed with our trial?

No.

The solution: ….

I can’t claim to have the answers. I don’t.

Focus on the Lord. What a Great God our God is! He cares for us. He loves us. He’s all-knowing. He’s just. He’s our hiding place. Our Hightower. Our Refuge in time of trouble.

Focus on Him, and the rest of life grows dim. Not goes away. Not escalates. We see our struggles in perspective.

He is the fountain for a thirsty soul.

He is the healer and so much more.

When my heart is broken by this world’s demands,

The pieces are mended with one scarred hand

It’s a hand that holds this whole world in place.

Oh, a hand that was scarred just to give me grace.

And to think of the hand that holds the stars

Is small enough to mend one broken heart.

And when I can't stand, I have to lean.

And when I can't see, I have to believe.

The Great Physicians touch is a bond that can

Mend broken hearts with one scarred hand.

 ~Kyla Rowland

Serving

“We can only enter into sanctity in the eyes of God by returning into infamy in the eyes of men.”

Who do you seek to please as you serve? Well, most Christians would immediately answer, “God, of course!” But in reality think NOTHING about God as they serve. Think about Christ washing the disciples’ feet. Do you realize just how disgusting that was? The dirt and grime of the dusty roads mingled with sticky
sweat to make traces of mud on their feet. This job was relegated to the lowest servant.

Christ washed their feet.

Let that sink in.

Christ – the Son of God. The Creator of the universe. The Messiah.

Washed – used his hands, getting all the grime on them.

Their – the disciples. The overzealous Peter who would soon thrice deny him. The traitorous Judas, who
would betray him to the religious leaders.

Feet – sweaty, dirty feet.

THAT was ministering. THAT was serving.
Serving is working in the nursery changing diapers and wiping snotty noses.

Serving is doing someone’s dirty laundry so they don’t have to.

Serving is cleaning up messes after a sick family member.

Serving is doing the dishes after a church fellowship while other people are fellowshipping.

Serving is being like Christ.

Serving is doing the unwanted.

But serving isn’t only “doing” things.

Think about it… Jesus took time for people. He CARED about them.

Think about the people Jesus served. Blind men. Lepers. Lame men. Prostitutes. Children. Sick. Poor. Dead.

Serving is becoming part of someone’s life. Caring for them. Caring about them.

How many times do we as Christians care only what others look like or act like? We become so concerned with “issues” that we neglect to love them. To love what they ARE. Why? Because Christ loved us where we were. And, yes, we do have to see where they can go, but they should know that we CARE about them, not just about what they “do.”

Do we minister and serve those who are in need? Or do we “minister” and “serve” those we deem as “acceptable” for us to mingle with? While Christ dined with Zacchaeus, the publican, the religious leaders said “He was gone to be guest with a man that is a sinner.”

But Christ said, “For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister.”

“We can only enter into sanctity in the eyes of God by returning into infamy in the eyes of men.”